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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25066030">Together or Not At All</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maltheniel/pseuds/Maltheniel'>Maltheniel</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Once and Future King [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Merlin (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Gwen and Arthur have to learn what it is to be married again, Romance, Within Marriage, also solutions are found for them to both reign, growing back together, luckily they're both determined to make it work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 01:55:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,754</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25066030</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maltheniel/pseuds/Maltheniel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Gwen is overjoyed to have Arthur back, of course. There's no doubt about that.</p>
<p>It's just that she was used to being a widow - and a queen. Maybe too used.</p>
<p>But Arthur and Gwen are both determined to make it through the transition and figure out what their new reality will look like. They vowed it, after all.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Once and Future King [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1774627</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>45</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Together or Not At All</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The night after they got back from Caerleon, Gwen and Arthur sat quietly together in Arthur's old room, which had used to be their quarters and was slowly becoming their quarters again, and it dawned on Gwen that she was married.</p>
<p>Gwen had gotten used to being a widow. It had taken her a while to reconcile herself to the fact that the man she loved most in the world was never going to be part of her life again, and in the throes of her grief she had vowed never to marry again, for she could never love any man as she had loved Arthur.</p>
<p>That was still true, and was a large part of why she had never married since. There were other, more practical reasons, such as that if she married again everyone in the court (except perhaps her few closest friends, loyal to her) would assume that her husband would be king, and she the figurehead in his shadow, and Gwen loved Camelot too much to let that happen. There was also the consideration that if she bore a second husband sons, there might be tension as to whether Amhar or this man's son would be the heir to the throne, and Gwen was not going to introduce strife into her country like that.</p>
<p>There was even the little consideration, occurring to Gwen sometimes at night, that Merlin might not be loyal to any man besides Arthur or Arthur's son on the throne of Camelot, and she didn't know how Camelot would survive without Merlin.</p>
<p>But overarching all the other considerations, there was the fact that Gwen loved Arthur still, even if it was a love of the distant past after all these years, and she could never let another man fill that place in her heart, her life. That place was permanently filled, even if now by a memory.</p>
<p>And then Lancelot had returned with the news that Arthur was coming back, and thrown the life Gwen had carefully constructed out of the ruins of her grief into a whirlwind.</p>
<p>She didn't know if it would ever be like it had been, if it could ever be, if the Arthur who was returning could fill the place she had occupied with a ghost all these years.</p>
<p>And then Arthur returned, and Gwen dashed across the courtyard of Camelot, and he caught her in his arms and swung her around and kissed her as if they had been together only yesterday. And suddenly the hole in Gwen's life had vanished, the ghost was real, and she was happier than she had been in years.</p>
<p>Ever since then, Gwen hadn't let herself think ahead. Arthur alive was so much more big and real than the imagined Arthur she had kept carefully alive in her head all these years, filling the ancient hole left gaping in her effortlessly with his presence. And Gwen carefully hadn't thought ahead, because there was a very large part of her that was convinced he was going to die in this battle with the Saxons, brought back simply to save them and die again. If these were going to be the last days she had with him, she was not going to spoil them by constantly wondering if they were going to be the last days. She was <em>not.</em> So for once in her life, Gwen flung foresight to the wayside and focused on what it meant to have Arthur back, even if just for these few weeks, creating memories she could cling to for years upon years ahead.</p>
<p>Except now he had lived through the battle, and Gwen had to learn how to live as a wife to a living husband again.</p>
<p>The last time she had adjusted to being a wife, it had been the social status that was hard to adjust to and the husband who was very easy. Gwen had known she loved Arthur for years, known he loved her, known they were both willing to wait, and despite everything that had come between them, there was a world of joy in knowing that they were finally free to be together. Beginning to build her life with Arthur had been the easy part; adjusting to the transition from servant to queen, in spite of the fact that she had been preparing for it for some time, had been the hard part.</p>
<p>It was the exact opposite now. Gwen was used to being queen; Gwen had been queen for years and had been a good queen too, she thought. It was adjusting to having a husband back that was the hard part.</p>
<p>But Gwen still loved Arthur, and she knew he still loved her, and the effortless way they had fallen back by each other's sides since his return told her that even now that they were in it for the long haul, even though it would be different without the dagger of a major battle hanging over their heads, they could adjust to being husband and wife again.</p>
<p>She looked up over the top of the book she had been pretending to read at Arthur, who was pretending to frown at some paperwork. Getting up, she walked over to him and laid her hand on his shoulder.</p>
<p>"Come take the pins out of my hair?" she invited.</p>
<p>It had been their favorite way to relax in the evenings before, and something relaxed in Arthur's face at her invitation. "Of course," he said, and followed her over to the couch.</p>
<p>For a moment neither could find anything to say, as his fingers worked their way deftly into her hair; then Gwen, casting her mind back, remembered something suddenly and asked him, "Do you remember the first time you kissed me?"</p>
<p>Arthur laughed softly. "Of course," he said.</p>
<p>Gwen twisted to look at him, and saw he was smiling the gentle smile he reserved for her. "It was a long time ago, when I stayed at your house during the tournament and realized what a lovely lady you were," he said. He reached out and laid his hand gently over hers, as he had used to do so often.</p>
<p>Gwen swallowed a sob, tenderness welling up deep within her. "I held onto the memory of that kiss," she said softly. "At the time I thought it was the only time you'd ever kiss me."</p>
<p>She had clung to every moment they had together, every kiss stolen in secret, always knowing they could be torn apart at any moment. Not until the day Arthur had crowned her queen had she dared to believe for certain that their love could last.</p>
<p>Perhaps she had always been preparing for him to be torn away from her.</p>
<p>How was she to deal again with the certainty of him in her future?"</p>
<p>"I remembered it too," Arthur told her. "I'd never met anyone as straightforward and caring and loyal as you, Gwen."</p>
<p>"You reminded me of that kiss to make me smile before you went to fight the Dorocha," Gwen murmured, smiling now in spite of herself.</p>
<p>"It worked, didn't it?" Arthur said. He tightened his fingers around her hand and lifted it to press it against his heart. "Guinevere," he said, suddenly steady, "I know this is strange, taking up the threads of who we used to be, years on. But I still want to make something of this."</p>
<p>There was a question in his eyes, in his voice. Gwen swallowed hard and leaned up to kiss him as she had once done so often.</p>
<p>"Does that answer your question?" she asked.</p>
<p>"It begins to," he answered, smiling and taking her into his arms to kiss her again.</p>
<p>They'd kissed before since he'd come back, of course, but there was something new about this, as new as that kiss in the light of dawn in her house had been, the newness of a beginning they were determined to make something of together.</p>
<p>And Gwen thought that evening, as they talked and laughed about the past together, curled close in each other's arms as they would once have never dared to be, that they could make a future out of this foundation, the two of them together.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There came the weekly day when Gwen had opened the throneroom doors to anyone who wanted to come with a complaint, happening for the first time after the battle as things got back to usual, and Gwen was having a very bad day.</p>
<p>Marian, her normal maid, was sick, so Gleda had been the one to help her get ready, and there wasn't the easy camaraderie that usually helped Gwen to prepare for her day between them. Merlin had a cold and had sneezed all over everyone's food at breakfast, so they were all liable to get sick now. And when they all came into court, Arthur naturally took one throne, leading Gwen to the other. There was nothing wrong with that, but Gwen had lately brought back out Arthur's throne and given it to Amhar to watch the court proceedings, as he was getting old enough for her to bestow the beginnings of power on him. Arthur on his old throne meant Gwen had to find a new place for Amhar to stand.</p>
<p>It was such a little thing, but it was the first thing to irritate her about the open court. It had been her idea, to make a place where the word of a servant, a peasant, was as much to be believed as the word of a knight or a noble, and she thought it had done a world of good. To have Arthur suddenly running it as if it was his rankled somehow.</p>
<p>It got worse as the court was held. The people came before the court with their litany of complaints, but half the time as Gwen was preparing to pronounce judgement, Arthur jumped ahead of her and pronounced judgement himself. It wasn't that he was biased or unfair in his judgements, but Gwen had gotten so used to dealing with her people that she had assumed she was going to be the one giving the judgements today. Clearly she should have talked about this with Arthur beforehand.</p>
<p>That was the last straw that pushed her to the boiling point. She was barely listening to Arthur and Amhar as they left the courtroom as a family, though she knew she should have been paying attention. In the back of her mind, it registered that Amhar was commenting on the mercy Arthur had shown during the court, which was a good thing for him to recognize, but not what she was stewing on just then.</p>
<p>"I'm going to Uncle Merlin's chambers," Amhar said. "Anna's coming up for a lesson today." He smiled at Gwen and skipped off.</p>
<p>"You've done a good job raising him," Arthur said approvingly, watching Amhar as he left.</p>
<p>And suddenly Gwen could contain the bitterness no longer. They had reached their shared quarters, and she strode into them angrily.</p>
<p>"That's all I've done, all I'm good for," she said coolly, spinning to face Arthur as he closed the door. "Raising your son to be king."</p>
<p>Gwen-the-servant would never have said it. Gwen-the-new-young-queen might have thought it, but it would be very unlikely that she would have said it.</p>
<p>Guinevere-who-had-been-queen-for-13-years said it with few regrets.</p>
<p>Arthur turned to look at her with wide eyes. "Guinevere," he said gently, stepping toward her, "I didn't mean it that way."</p>
<p>"Didn't you?" Gwen demanded. She moved to put the desk between them. Ever since Arthur had come back, he had been very affectionate physically, and they both needed it, the tangible proof that he was alive. But just now she wasn't going to be distracted that way.</p>
<p>"Let me tell you something," Gwen the queen said steadily. "When you died, do you know who I could trust to stand behind me when I was on the throne?"</p>
<p>Maybe he knew, because he had watched from the lake. That wasn't the point.</p>
<p>"Merlin, Gaius, Leon, and Percival," Gwen told him. She ticked them off on her fingers. "Everyone else bowed and scraped before me – and before I announced I was pregnant, those four uncovered eleven schemes to replace me on the throne.</p>
<p>"Do you know how many people stood behind me once they realized I had borne a son and heir? Every last person in your court."</p>
<p>Arthur stared at her, lips parted. "Guinevere," he said slowly, "I didn't mean –"</p>
<p>"Things can't go on this way," Gwen interrupted him, determined to get this off her chest. "I'm not the timid queen of your early years, learning how to be told Your Majesty without blushing, or heaven forbid your queen under Morgana's power. I've ruled longer than you have, Arthur, even if I was just a servant girl once. And I'm not going to go back to being the figurehead standing at your side, the proof of your fertility."</p>
<p>"I never wanted you to be!" Arthur retorted angrily. "I wanted – Gwen, what do you want?" And then his eyes widened with understanding; Arthur could be very perceptive at times. "This is about the open court, isn't it?"</p>
<p>"I was the one who instituted it," Gwen said quietly, less angry now. "I wanted a place where everyone could come equally with their complaints. I'm not trying to be jealous," she said quickly. "I know you're king, and it's only right that you judge."</p>
<p>Arthur paced down the room and back instead of replying, then suddenly turned to her and leaned on the back of a chair. "This didn't matter before, did it?" he asked, watching her face intently. "When I first came back from Avalon? Because we were dealing with a war, and that was always my area more than yours. But now that it comes to the day-to-day matters of running the kingdom, I'm encroaching on what has been your place for years."</p>
<p>Gwen's eyes filled with tears at his accuracy; her anger had faded. "Arthur," she pleaded softly, "I don't want this to come between us. But we need to discuss what we're going to do before we go to the court; we can't afford to appear divided on the thrones. And - and I need a role to play."</p>
<p>"Right," Arthur said quietly, looking very thoughtful. He leaned over his arms and studied the table for a minute; then he straightened up and met Gwen's eyes.</p>
<p>"What if you rule Camelot?" he asked.</p>
<p>Gwen gasped. "What do you mean?" she demanded. "You – you're the king of Camelot!"</p>
<p>"I'm also the king of Albion now," he answered, "and I keep getting requests to fix all the problems in all the far-flung kingdoms. Bayard has requested help in healing his country from civil war, and that's only the worst of all the letters I've gotten since we came home. I don't know if I can handle ruling Camelot and Albion all at once. So you rule Camelot as you have so skillfully all these years, and I rule Albion."</p>
<p>He was obviously sincere, and it took Gwen a long moment to swallow down the deep pleasure that brought a lump to her throat at her Arthur, the prophesied greatest King of Camelot, showing such faith in her. If she had wanted a reward for long years ruling alone, she had it in that moment.</p>
<p>"On one condition, Arthur," she said. She came out from behind the desk and took a few steps toward him.</p>
<p>He inclined his head in a question.</p>
<p>"The people of Camelot are your people too," Gwen told him. "You help me with ruling Camelot; you help me judge and let the people learn to love you again. And you let me help you rule Albion. We can't rule alone, Arthur; it's terribly lonely."</p>
<p>"So we ask," Arthur said, his face lighting up. "We ask each other for advice, and we rule together. But for the most part, we each have our own responsibilities."</p>
<p>Gwen smiled shakily and nodded. "Thank you, Arthur," she said, reaching out to take his hands in hers.</p>
<p>"Gwen," he protested, "what are you thanking me for? Without you as queen, I'd have had no kingdom to come back to, much less a whole alliance of kingdoms to rule. You –"</p>
<p>Gwen stopped him by reaching up to press her lips to his. He pulled her closer, and they stood for a moment, wrapped in each other's arms, in the light streaming from the window, just breathing together.</p>
<p>"I'm not the Gwen you knew," she said softly at last, curling against his chest. "I'm not the young queen figuring out my way."</p>
<p>"I'm not the Arthur you knew either," he returned quietly. "I've spent all these years watching you and learning what I wish I had done differently."</p>
<p>"We're neither of us the same," Gwen concluded softly, feeling a little shiver go down her spine.</p>
<p>"And – and yet we know each other," Arthur said. "Don't we?" he asked suddenly, pulling back to look her in the eyes. "At the end of the day, we still know who each other is."</p>
<p>And it was true, Gwen thought quietly. They hadn't known each other on some superficial level; they had known and understood each other down to bedrock, down to the depths, and loved each other for that. And whatever else had changed, that really hadn't.</p>
<p>That knowing was enough to build a life, to build a marriage, upon.</p>
<p>"Yes," she said, quietly, like a wedding vow. "Yes, we do." And she curled back into his chest.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Despite the fact that she had felt like this once before, it took Gwen a while to put together how she was feeling and figure out the reason. She had never dreamed of experiencing this a second time, and the day she knew, she was suddenly breathless and had to sit down. This was the tangible proof that this new reality was true and permanent, that she was really married again for good. But this time that was an incredibly comforting thought, and Gwen sat and sobbed for a few minutes with the healing hope of it.</p>
<p>Then she got up and fairly ran to find Arthur.</p>
<p>She found him talking to Merlin on the battlements overlooking the country. Merlin took one look at her and the way she was looking at Arthur and quickly backed up.</p>
<p>"If you'll excuse me, Arthur," he said.</p>
<p>Arthur, whose back was to her, hadn't seen her approach as Merlin had. "Just because you get to keep your fancy position at court doesn't mean you can just ignore me and go running off in the middle of our conversation, Merlin," he said lightly.</p>
<p>"I should say it does," Merlin retorted. "Court Sorcerers are hired to keep prattish kings in their places." And with that he fled, but not without giving Gwen a conspiratorial smile.</p>
<p>Some days it was good that Merlin was perceptive – or else had learned her moods over all the years they spent working together. Gwen loved him, but she didn't want him there just now.</p>
<p>"Merlin!" Arthur was calling indignantly, when he turned and finally noticed her. "Guinevere!" he exclaimed, all irritation fading away. "What are you doing here?"</p>
<p>Gwen was out of breath from running up the stairs and with the breathless hope of her news, and words completely failed her once again. Reaching out, she caught Arthur's hand and pressed it flat on her dress over her stomach.</p>
<p>"What – what –" Arthur stammered uncomprehendingly, glancing back and forth between his hand and her face.</p>
<p>Gwen gulped a deep breath of air and found her voice. "Arthur," she said, "I'm pregnant."</p>
<p>She was half-laughing, half-crying, and Arthur let out an incredulous laugh and curled his fingers around her stomach. "You're pregnant!" he exclaimed joyously. "It's my baby."</p>
<p>"Of course it's your baby," Gwen shot back, but she knew what he meant. This was a tangible proof of him returned, the security of their new relationship, the proof of their love, once and future, carried safe within her womb.</p>
<p>Arthur shook his head, smiling as widely as she'd ever seen him in his delight, and stepped forward to wrap her close in his arms, their new little one tucked safely between their bodies.</p>
<p>They stepped forward at last to stand against the battlement and look out at the country below, flushed in sunset.</p>
<p>It was the same balcony where Gwen had once told Merlin that she was carrying Amhar.</p>
<p>Gwen had always heard the ladies of the lower town talk about how lovely it was to be pregnant with the man you loved by your side. Gwen had swallowed back any comments, because when she had been pregnant the man she loved had been dead.</p>
<p>It would be different, she thought, being pregnant now in this time of security and peace and joy, with Arthur here, than it had been when everyone was grieving and she was queen alone.</p>
<p>"I never thought I'd get to hear you tell me you were pregnant," Arthur said quietly, after a few minutes of silence.</p>
<p>Gwen was tucked up against his side, his arm warm and secure around her shoulders. "I never thought I'd get to carry a baby with you here," she murmured.</p>
<p>And there was nothing more to say about that, except that they both clung a little more closely to each other, because they knew that getting this time together was a gift, one they both treasured dearly.</p>
<p>"We definitely can't name it Arthur if it's a boy," her husband commented.</p>
<p>Gwen laughed in spite of herself. "What if it's a girl?" she asked.</p>
<p>"Then I hope she turns out as lovely as her mother," Arthur said sincerely.</p>
<p>Gwen choked on a laugh, still half-hysterical with joy somehow, and lifted her head to kiss him lightly. "I'm glad you're here," she whispered.</p>
<p>It didn't cure everything, having this baby, of course. But it was a step forward, Gwen thought, that she was completely secure and unafraid in her desire to have this child, and so, she could tell, was Arthur. They had come together again; they were learning how to be husband and wife all over again, trusting enough in the security of the future to risk their hearts unafraid, and they could learn to be parents anew together.</p>
<p>Together, they turned, king and queen, mother and father, husband and wife, and watched the last of the light slip from the land.</p>
<p>
  <em>Together.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A good bit of inspiration for this chapter goes to wryter501's review on "The Future of a King" on ff.net, which pointed out that the transition between Gwen who had been queen for years and Arthur who had just returned could have been a bit tricky without Saxons to fight. I wanted to explore what that looked like a bit more, hence the middle section of this chapter.</p>
<p>Also, the last scene has parallels to the last scene of "You Can Never Go Home." (Very deliberate parallels.) And the chapter title is a quote from Amy Pond in Doctor Who.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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